New Year's...

Here's wishing you all a safe and Happy New Year's!

Tomorrow is New Year's Eve, and it's the last holiday I have to get through (thankfully).

My mom decided that this year she wanted to do something special, so we're going to a pretty pricey restaurant in the area. To be honest, I'm dreading it. Eating in restaurants makes me nervous because I've had a lot of bad luck with them. Plus, my mom makes me incredibly anxious so trying to eat with her is a nightmare.

Also, I know it's superstitious, but the last 3 years I've been sick every New Year's. So I'm extremely nervous about this dinner tomorrow.

So, cross your fingers!

ugh.

I'm wondering if trying to gain weight would go a lot better if I didn't live at home.

My mom and I haven't always had a great relationship, but now that she's going through menopause? Forget it. I'm fending off mood swings a hundred times a day.

On top of that, she feels like she knows everything because when she was my age she got sick once too. So she feels the need to dole out advice and shove food down my throat (or harp on me about it) constantly. If I say something she doesn't agree with, it's "you need to go to therapy." -or- she gives me the silent treatment and slams everything. (we're talking stupid things...like, I say I don't like a show she does).

Clearly I need therapy for that *rolls eyes*

She's constantly cutting me down when she's not throwing a temper tantrum and it makes me feel like hell about myself so I stop eating. Which, of course, only makes her harp on me more.

Hell, I can't wait to get out of my house.

Holidays survived!

Well, the Christmas holidays are over!

On the whole, I'm quite pleased about them.

Christmas Eve? Went exactly according to plan. I didn't even get my usual anxiety about it! The only issue, was that when we (my boyfriend and I) arrived, the rest of my family decided to eat really early - which is what I was trying to avoid. I planned on being there, watching them open presents, and then leaving before they ate so I wouldn't be the only one not eating. They decided to change the order and eat first, so that was awkward.

Christmas Day? Oh the day I was dreading. My mom makes a ton of food and is very pushy about it, and my boyfriend's family wants me to come for dinner (which I've already talked about). Things went mostly according to plan. Got up, presents, brunch, exchanged with the boyfriend, THEN showered (ugh I hate waiting that long but I hat to wait for hot water), then had dinner. I was starting to get really anxious about eating then going to see my boyfriend's family but I sucked it up and did it. I ate, waited about an hour, then went to his parent's house. This is huge for me. I could easily have backed out, but I didn't.

Seeing my boyfriend's family was interesting. They just got a new puppy (it's cute, in a you're-adorable-but-not-so-cute-I-want-to-take-you-home kind of way) and his dad was really happy to see me. I love his dad, the nicest man I've ever met. Now that my dad doesn't live here anymore, I could easily see him being my surrogate dad. My boyfriend's mom? Didn't even come say hi to me. It was odd, especially seeing as she's the only who constantly asks him if I'm going to show up. To be fair, I could have gone to see her but she was busy with other people. I stayed about an hour then went home. I would have stayed longer, but something from dinner did not agree with me.


Anyways, on the whole- I made it! I pushed myself and made it through. It made my boyfriend and his dad really happy, so it was worth it. I even managed to eat normal meals and extra food instead of stopping eating out of anxiety. I'm very pleased with how the holiday turned out.

Holiday Game Plan

To all of my readers, have a very Merry Christmas and/or Happy Holiday!


I'm a very...schedule-oriented person. Let's just say it's the OCD in me. In some ways it's great; I get to pick my schedule and get it done. In some ways it's not great: getting off schedule is very...upsetting to me and can throw off everything.

So, tomorrow (Christmas Eve)'s plan is: Get up, get stuff together, go to my Aunt's with my boyfriend, then come home and have dinner. Yes, I'll be eating alone, but I'm okay with that.
I would go with my boyfriend to his family's dinner, but I absolutely hate his cousin - who is hosting this year's festivities because the person who usually does is in the middle of a move.

Christmas Day: Get up, open presents, shower, eat brunch, exchange presents with my boyfriend...then eat dinner, and possibly go to my boyfriend's house after they eat dinner. I know I should go there for a meal, but my sister flew home for Christmas so it would be rude to ditch. Plus, it's too stressful to have a meal with all of them (see my last entry). But, I may go after to see everyone and say hello then come home.

Feeling the pressure...

Christmas is this week (obviously) which means huge family get-togethers and lots of food. Sounds like everyone's dream right? To me, it's a nightmare.

My family, extended and immediate, have grown distant in the last year or so (something that I'm having a hard time coping with) but my aunt has decided to hold a Christmas Eve 'dinner' that everyone's invited to.

First, it's going to be awkward considering how my family has drifted apart. Second, and more importantly, everyone knows I was recently in the hospital and they will be trying to force-feed me the entire time. They'll comment on my weight, and be counting my calories while I sit there. It's extremely stressful and anxiety inducing. Who wants to eat knowing/feeling that everyone around them is keeping track of everything that goes into their mouth?

Plus, it's not just my family. My boyfriend's family has invited me every year to spend the holiday with them. The first year we were together, I did. After being there with them, I don't think I could do it again. They all eat a repulsive (to me) amount of food - we're talking...one slice of every dessert (8 or more) for EVERY person. Plus they drink a lot, which makes me uncomfortable. My boyfriend's mom is a nurse, so it's the same deal. She's (unintentionally probably) counting the calories that I eat and constantly pushing food on me. Which I'm sure is well-intentioned, but makes me extremely uncomfortable and gives me horrible guilt to turn down. So, for the last few years, I've skipped out which I feel terrible about. But I know if I go, I'll be harassed about what I'm eating, and I'll be extremely uncomfortable trying to eat in front of people who eat an inhuman amount. (Plus, it's nauseating to watch someone eat that much food)

I know it's still almost a week away, but I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I'm already feeling the pressure!

Measurements

Out of interest, I found a link off of WebMD's website that tells you your BMI (body mass index) and where you are on the healthy weight scale.

Not surprisingly, I'm underweight. My Healthy Weight Range: 104-141lbs.

Personally, I don't get that. You can't tell me that if I gained 15lbs I would be just as healthy as my sister who is closer to 140. She's overweight, and certainly not healthy (yes, I know there are other factors in there as well) but I think that range is far too broad to be appropriate.

My BMI is 16.1 and 'healthy' is 18.5-24.9 (again, holy range).

A different website says I should aim for 2413 calories per day to gain one pound per week. Also, it tells me that to maintain my current weight I'm only eating around 1500 calories per day. I know for a fact that's not true (I've kept food journals) and doctors have told me that that's approximate. Just like for people who lose weight, sometimes doing only what they tell you is just not enough so people have to eat less than they're supposed to (or in my case more).

I think in this case, I'll split the difference and try to gain half a pound a week, or about 2000 calories a day. I'll try to exceed that as much as I can see as I've tried that before and it didn't work but I'll give it another shot.

Official Post-Hospital Weigh In

I stole this from my progress entries on 43Things, I thought it was worth mentioning here:

Last night, I decided to weigh in; something that I've been avoiding ever since I came home from the hospital. I knew that I'd lost some weight (they weighed me at my follow up) but I had no idea how hard readjusting to food would be. (I give people who are lost at sea or stranded in a desert for an extended period of time a LOT of credit.)

So, I figured to make myself feel at least a little better, I would weigh myself last night. I ate like a pig yesterday, and thought it might stick with me.

The result: 91 pounds.

Yeah.

I lost more than 7 pounds in a week and a half. That's almost my entire year's worth of work toward gaining weight. I'm trying to not be _so_ hard on myself, because most of it was out of my control, but it's hard to find the urge to try. It took almost a year of pushing myself to eat to the point of wanting to throw up to gain that weight, and now it's gone and I have to start all over again.

How incredibly frustrating/annoying/disheartening/you name it.

Progress and setbacks...

So, I had my follow up with a GI surgeon and he said that I'll get another CT in January (happy new year to me- not) and if my appendix is still swollen then, I'll have it removed.

I'm torn on this. On the one hand, no one wants to have surgery. On the other, once it's out I'd never have to worry about it again! The surgeon also said if they remove it, it would be an outpatient procedure and would only take about 20 minutes. Awesome. That's because it wouldn't be infected or ruptured; otherwise it would be a huge invasive surgery. It almost makes me want to get it anyways lol! Plus, I would hate to have spent all this money and gone through all of this for absolutely nothing. Either way, we'll have to wait and see.

The worse part of all of this is that I'm having a huge setback as far as weight gain goes. Trying to eat again for the first time in almost 3 days was extremely tough. It was like learning how to eat. I had to start with easy foods and work my way up to eating something that was substantial and if I ate something that wasn't right, I knew it almost instantly. I would get a horrible stomach ache and feel sick for hours.

So working into eating has been a really slow process, and I lost quite a few pounds. A few pounds seems like nothing to pretty much everyone...but when it's 6 months of serious weight gaining effort for you, it's extremely disheartening.

three hospitals and two days later...

I went to the GP, and was immediately sent for a CT with Barium contrast (which made me horribly ill). Barium is the most repulsive thing EVER. But I forced myself to do it, and was rewarded with a lovely "your appendix is inflamed and you have a lot of fluid in your abdomen, you need to go to the emergency room NOW."

So the emergency room is where I went. They weren't sure I had "true" appendicitis (meaning it would burst or rupture) so I was given a room, a lot of antibiotics and kept overnight- which was HELL. My roommate was incredibly noisy and occasionally verrrrry drugged up and moaning. Plus they woke us up every 3 hours to check our vitals.

I hadn't showered before I went to the GP because I figured, I'd go and they'd say it was fine and would go away and I'd go home and shower. How wrong I was. 2 days in the hospital later, I felt repulsive and they wouldn't let me shower because it was 'introducing liquids into' my body. So, I got to wash my hair in the sink, and couldn't change my clothes or wash anything else- gross.

I also hadn't eaten before the GP in case they sent me for tests, so the last I'd eaten was Tuesday night around 5. Because they weren't sure if/when I'd need surgery, I wasn't allowed food. After 4am today, no liquids either. So, I went 48 hours without food, and 46 hours without liquids (I drank some for about two hours) although they did give me an IV.

Today around 5pm I was officially discharged, after 2 rounds of intense antibiotics and starved. They aren't sure if it was moderate appendicitis, or a ruptured cyst but thankfully my vitals got much better and my lab work. (This morning around 6 am the Resident Surgeon said he thought I'd go home- what took 11 hours I'll never know.) I have a follow up next week.

So now, I'm finally home and exhausted. I took a showered right away, and made some pancakes to eat and am looking forward to (hopefully) a decent nights sleep. I'm still extremely shaky and disoriented from being literally starved. Plus without food, my heart meds don't work right so my blood pressure is all over the place (which also makes me feel sick). So we'll see.

Pain still around...

I still have the pain in my abdomen, and it's irritating as hell. I don't really have a fever and no nausea/vomiting *knock on wood* so the odds of appendicitis are remote, but it still hurts and my mom and Zack are worried about it. So, tomorrow we're going to hopefully get it checked out.

Good news... sort of

It turns out that I was right, the pain I've been feeling was (read: is probably) an ovarian cyst.

I woke up at dawn this morning in the most excruciating pain I've ever felt. I thought maybe it was food poisoning, but it didn't feel the same. It was like cramps, but incredibly sharp and incredibly intense.

I actually though I was going to need the emergency room, (Zack was worried it was my appendix) but thankfully TONS of Motrin helped. Walking is still painful and I can't tie my shoes, but at least I'm not screaming out like I did this morning trying to get out of bed! I even managed to finish my Christmas shopping.

So, the good news is that it's not related to my medicine at least- the bad news is that it hurts like hell, and who wants a cyst on their ovaries? lol (oh, and minor bad news was that Tops was all out of my heartburn meds, so it might be a rough night)

Thanksgiving

This past week was Thanksgiving- one of my favorite holidays purely because the food is unbelievably good. How can you go wrong with turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes and gravy, green beans and cranberry sauce? Not to mention the pumpkin pie to cap it all off!

Unfortunately, I caught a bug or something (maybe complications of my meds?) and was sick most of the week. I had/ still have pain in my lower stomach. I haven't gotten sick (upper or lower) but it hurts like mad. I hope it's not like...an ovarian cyst; which I've had before.

Thanksgiving dinner was the first real food I was able to eat. I thought maybe I wasn't drinking enough fluids to work with my meds, but I've upped it a lot and am still in pain.

I'm not sure if it was just foods I wasn't used to eating, or what. So I'm cutting out anything remotely new, and going back to what I've been eating (pre-holiday foods) and we'll see if that helps!

I go back for my check-up soon, so it'll be something I have to discuss with my doctor.

Fate intervenes?

Last night, I was looking all over this site to see if there was any way to suspend this blog- where I wouldn't lose the domain name, but I could put it on 'pause' for a while.

As I was doing this (which I couldn't find a way, btw) I came across my "Stats" page - which I never knew existed. It was very interesting- apparently I've had over 300 page views in this month alone, not including my own. That FLOORED me.

Plus, one of my referring sites (the sites people get here from) was 43 Things, so there are some very nice people on 43T who are kind enough to come check in on me.

Now I'm undecided about discontinuing this. It really was a great way to keep track on my day-to-day stuff that I don't want to clog up 43T with, and it seems like a shame to stop something that was actually helping me because of one or two people. The reason I started it was to help raise awareness for people who are suffering from the inability to gain weight/dealing with anorexia/and (now) to help shed some light on a little-known condition.

What to do?

I was going to update...

but I decided that I'm just not going to do it anymore. The people who "follow" me on here, I talk to in other venues/arenas and that's good enough for me.

Unlike other people, I'm not okay with just anyone/everyone reading my stuff- and I suspect it's more than just "official followers" who are creeping my stuff anonymously.

So, this message will be up for a week to let anyone who reads this know, then this whole thing will be deleted.

I'll talk to you all either on 43Things, or in person. To everyone else, sorry but your creeping is over.

day 10

Sucky. It might be because of milk products though. Zack had asked me to try an Ensure to see if it was just pure milk products- apparently not because it made me ill most of the day. Later on I was feeling better, and today (which is 'tomorrow' I'm writing this about yesterday lol) I'm going to go milk product free 100% and see how I fare.

day 9

Well it's been just over a week. Generally, I think I like what this medicine is doing- at least I can get out of bed without having a heart attack, and wash my hair without my arms going numb, and use the bathroom without passing out (I know, TMI, but it's important to keep track of lol)

I'm still not feeling great exactly, but I am able to get out of the house for a couple of hours so that's definitely an improvement. I think after this week, I might try starting to exercise a little every day.

I'm starting to definitely suspect I'm becoming lactose-intolerant. Anytime I eat or drink anything milk-related it just sits like a rock and my stomach is constantly upset. It's weird because I drank TONS of milk when I was younger and now I can't tolerate it at all- which suck because I love it...and cream cheese, sour cream, shredded cheese...bummer.

Day 8

Pretty decent day. I baked some and did grocery shopping early which was great.

I'm starting to be a little concerned about the amount of hair-loss I'm having. I know that stress can cause it (that's happened to me before) but I'm losing at least a hundred strands a day.

Day 7

Not a bad day. Chest is still pounding, but the headaches have subsided. Hopefully the upset stomach will go away.

I'm starting to get discouraged because I'm no longer feeling as great as the first half day. I know that you can't feel awesome all the time, but after almost two eyars of feeling like hell- I was hoping for more than two pretty good" days.

Maybe the dosage still isn't right.

days 5 and 6

pros: got out a lot yesterday- much longer than I have in over 6 months.

cons: had a pretty bad day today and later last night- horribly upset stomach, headaches, weakness


...bummer.

Day 4

Overall, a decent day. I had heart murmurs again which sucks, and my stomach was upset for a good portion of the day. Just have to wait it out I guess.

day 3

Liquids: Not great. 5 cups maybe. Have to do better tomorrow.

Diet: Nutella on bread, cheddar rice cakes, chicken, mac and cheese, misc halloween candy

Florinef: taken

Cons: migraine, nausea this morning

Pros: being able to go out for a longer time than usual

day 2

Liquids: about 6 cups. Not bad.

Diet: half onion bagel with cream cheese, steak, pretzels, half hamburger, potato pancakes, leftover halloween candy

Florinef: taken

How I feel...

Pros: This morning, I felt AWESOME. Much better than I have in over a year. I went out to vote, and walked in the cold and didn't have any palpitations! I speed walked, and didn't get short of breath or have my arrhythmia. I washed my hair without my arms going numb!

Cons: Towards the middle of the day, I started to have bad indigestion again- I hope that goes away. I also got very run down, and after eating dinner had a very upset stomach and a headache all night. They say most side effects wear off after a week, so I'm hoping.

day 1

Diet:

Liquids: 7-8 cups. About half a gallon, almost 2 Liters which is what I'm supposed to be drinking so that's good.

Food: Pancakes, potato with sour cream/cheese/bacon bits, steak (made even more delicious because I won it in a bet), popcorn, various snacks.


Florinef: taken- first day!

Negative Side Effects:
- I could tell when my body absorbed it- it gave me a weird rush, almost like having a CT scan done (if you've never had one, I can't explain it)- almost like getting a saline drip where you can feel it run through your body in a cold wave.
- sharp pain in my shoulder, I don't know if this was from an injury, or not as aches and pain are a side effect
- headache...mostly in one spot, made me a little nervous but I didn't want to overwhelm my body by taking motrin too
- indigestion, pretty bad actually
- chills

Positive Side Effects:
- no intense heart pounding when I stand up
- increased appetite? (maybe, it's hard to tell- I have a couple of hungry days now and then, so it might not have anything to do with this)
- no intense vomiting feeling immediately following eating

Overall Opinion: Pending. I like not having my heart pound constantly, but I am verrrry achey and the indigestion is pretty rough so we'll see.

change of pace

I had an idea today to use this as more-or-less a journal (which is basically is) to record how I do on a day-to-day basis with the drug trial(s) I'm starting. I have to be on Florinef for a month, and then go back to the doctor- by that time, I probably won't remember what things were really like over the course of the month- so why not write it down? Worth a shot at least lol

another crossroads

I went to the doctors on Friday and am going to start a drug regimen. We'll see.

I'm undecided whether to document this, or just delete this blog all together.

disappointed

*sigh* So, I found this really great dietitian who seemed like an awesome guy. He filled me with hope because he said he was going to contact other people who knew more about my condition as well as doing research on his own. I've tried to get a hold of him for a couple of weeks now...nothing.

His original suggestion was to graze...which is weird and I'm having a hard time doing it. But, even when I do manage to graze all day, I don't feel any better. It doesn't regulate my blood pressure any better, and I'm getting very depressed with it. Apparently no one wants to help me deal with this drug-free (although, I honestly am coming around to the fact that it truly can't be 100% drug free. Even when I consistently follow the diet I'm supposed to, it's still hard to get up without almost passing out. I have to take a break getting up stairs because my heart pounds- it's just...way too far passed that point.)

So, I just don't know.

At the moment, it's not all bad. Considering all of the stress I'm under I've still managed to gain 1lb. which isn't much, but normally I stop eating and lose weight. So, to gain is phenomenal. I'm up to 95lbs. Up 8lbs in a year. that's not bad

small update

there's been a lot going on, and i'm not ready to update yet. but i thought i'd do a small one in case anyone was interested.

i met with a new dietitian, he seems like a very nice and knowledgeable man. i'm working on a new tip that he gave me: to graze all day and stop eating meals. i didn't think it would be difficult but it is- very. you don't realize how well you've been trained to eat meals until they're trying to make you stop eating them. he's going to try and find some specialists who have worked with other POTS patients, to see if there's any other kind of help they can give me.

taking a break for a little bit. things are getting to be really rough at home and it's just not a main focus to record everything i eat right now

day 82 (my sister's favorite)

breakfast: two slices of nutella bread with extra nutella (~800c)
snack: 3 garlic stuffed olives and pepperjack cheez-its (220c)
dinner: extra potato pancakes with sour cream and facon with ginger ale (~750c)
snack: ensure plus (350c)

total: 2120. thank heavens for nutella- it really saved me today. i had to get my foot x-rayed so i missed lunch completely and by the time i got home it wasn't worth eating so i just waited until dinner.

day 81

breakfast: ensure plus (350c)
lunch: rest of cheese stuffed burger with chips (~510c)
snack: freeze pop (20c) part of a toblerone (110c)
dinner: potato pancakes with sour cream and facon with ginger ale (~550c)
snack: ensure plus (350c)

total: 1890. not the greatest, but seeing as i had such a rough night that i slept until 11...i'm reasonably pleased with the calorie count

day 80

ensure plus x2, garlic stuffed olives, chips, hamburger with cheese, sparkling water, kit kat (not in that order necessarily). i didn't count the calories

day 79

i'll be honest...i know it was yesterday, but i don't remember what i ate.

ensure plus, kit kat, hamburger with cheese, some ginger ale....i don't know exactly. stuff lol

day 78

breakfast: two slices nutella bread (~600c)
lunch: chicken fingers, corn on the cob, potato chips, gingerale (~660c)
snack: kit kat bar (210c)
dinner: potato pancakes with cheddar cheese, sour cream, and facon with ginger ale (~640c)


total: 2110

day 77

brunch: ensure plus and trix (460c)
snack: peppermint patty (150c)
lunch: stir fry (see previous) plus chips and 3 glasses of lemonade (~400+150+180= ~730c)
dinner:grilled corn and lemon pepper grilled chicken with two slices of bread with butter and ginger ale (906c)
snack: two slices nutella (light on it tonight though) (~500c)

total: 2746. what a fatty. thank heaven for butter...which is crazy high in calories and low volume between the bitter on my corn/cooking the chicken/bread and butter it was probably an easy 400c

day 76

brunch: ensure plus (350c)
snack: potato chips (~150c)
lunch: delicious homemade stir fry! beef, rice, baby corn, mushrooms, water chestnuts and bean sprouts (~400c)
dinner: chicken fingers, french fries with dr. pepper (~800c)
snack: ensure plus (350c)

total: 2050

day 75

brunch: ensure plus, luna:chocolate brownie bar (530c)
snacks (throughout the day): king sized kitkat (420c) and m&ms (230c)= (650c)
dinner: delicious homemade stir fry! beef, rice, baby corn, mushrooms, water chestnuts and bean sprouts (~400c)
snack: ensure plus (350c)

total: 1930

day 74

breakfast: two slices nutella bread (~600c)
lunch: two mini burgers with pepperjack cheese and fried onions. (~350c)
dinner: mini pizza with olive oil, cheese, and green olives plus ginger ale (~820c thanks to high calorie olive oil)
snack: hersheys with almond (210c)

total: 1980

day 73

breakfast: ensure plus (350c)
snack: water, cheez-its (~350c)
dinner: mini hamburgers (~300c)

total: probably a bit more than 1000. yesterday was just AWFUL because of the heat. just horrible, i could barely eat (obv)

day 72

breakfast: ensure plus (350c)
snack: salted almonds, water, cheez-its (~350c)
lunch: salami (6 slices) on rye with mustard and potato chips. plus three garlic stuffed olives and tons of water (~564c)
snack: hersheys with almonds, sparkling water
dinner: 2 pieces of bread with tons of nutella (was supposed to be pizzas, but the heat got to me again and eat this until almost 11pm :(....~700c )

total: 1964

day 71

breakfast: ensure plus (350c)
daytime snack: lime sparkling water, cheese-it pepperjack crackers, potato chips, hershey with almonds, kit kat(~810c)
dinner: none :(


total: 1160


POTS+heat is awful. i tried to snack on things all day that the doctor wanted...but i still got horribly sick and didn't eat dinner. i went to the town band concert, and tried a kit kat (the doctor said chocolate is good for POTS) and i was incredibly sick and had to run out at the end. i'm going to try better tomorrow. i'm drinking and eating as much as i can but the heat is just too much for me.

day 70

breakfast: ensure plus (350c)
lunchtime snack: orange sparkling water, cheese-it pepperjack crackers (new- and yummy!), garlic stuffed olives, small glass dr pepper, pringles (not all at once lol ~510c)
dinner: hamburger, bread, 2 slices pepperjack cheese, gingerale (680c)
snack: hershey almond (210c)

total: 1750

day 69

breakfast: ensure plus (350c)
lunch: half ribbon fry, half funnel cake, lemonade (crazy like...~850c easily)
dinner: hamburger, bread, condiments. (500c)
snack: hersheys with almond (210c)

total: 1910

well, today was my first day back...and i decided to treat myself to some ribbon fries and funnel cake which i'm sure i'll pay dearly for. not the greatest calorie day...but the grease from the fries/cake made me feel so sick to my stomach for HOURS (a big factor in why i don't eat like that anymore). tomorrow i know will be better though; still trying to get my bearings from the stress of travel on my body.

*break*

i'm leaving for florida today, so i won't be updating. i'll try to remember what i ate, but it's unlikely so i probably won't go back and update when i get back. i'll try my best to eat what i can though

64

Breakfast: ensure plus (350c)
Lunch: gingerale, potatoe pancakes with sour cream, cheddar cheese, tiny amount of facon bits (~640c)
Dinner: half personal pizza with mushrooms, black an green olives, and mozzarella cheese (~450c)
Snack: slice nutella bread (~400c)

Total:

63

Brunch: ensure plus (350c)
Snack: gingerale, rice cakes (~200c) 2 slices cheese (+240c) = 440c
Dinner: half hamburger, small amount of pasta (~450c)
Snack: piece of nutella bread (400c)

Total: 1640

62

Brunch: ensure plus and chocolate donut (350c+~300c= 650c)
Snack: gingerale, rice cakes (~200c)
Dinner: hashbrown casserole- condensed milk (instead of eggs, which i love but can't have :( ) hashbrown potatoes, cheddar cheese,onion and ham (260+90+100+ 160= 610c)
Snack: half sweetart roll, salted almonds, fruit baby food (80+100+80=260)

Total: 1710

now i'm entering into the hard part. i'm nervous about flying to florida, and that usually translates to me not eating because a.) being nervous makes me sick, and b.) i'm worried that something i eat will make me sick on the plane

61

Breakfast: Ensure plus, slice of nutella bread (~700c)
Lunch: kfc popcorn chicken, "margarita" drink (~400c)
Snack: hershey bar (210c)
Dinner: pepperjack and salami sandwich, ginger ale (~600c)
Snack: slice nutella bread (~300c)

Total: 2210

60

Breakfast: Ensure plus, slice of nutella bread (~700c)
Lunch: pasta, olives, salad dressing with gingerale with rice cakes (~590c)
Snack: hershey bar (210c)
Dinner: hamburger, fries, dr. pepper (~700c thank you mcdonalds)
Snack: port wine cheese and crackers with gingerale (135+89+180=404c)

Total:2604- stomach felt better today, can you tell? lol

59

Breakfast: Ensure plus, (350c)
Snack: i don't remember. i know there was something in there but i have no idea what
Dinner: hamburger, cheese, roll, gingerale (over the course of the night)- (858c)
Snack: 2 slices nutella bread (~700c)

Total: 1908

58

Breakfast: Ensure plus, brownie (500c)
Snack: chips, hershey bar (at different points in the day) (~400c)
Dinner: salmon and rice with ginger ale (617c)

Total: 1517. getting worse. although given the first day of the best time for a girl, i'm reasonably please i could eat at all- normally i can't.

57

Breakfast: Ensure plus (350c)
Lunch: pasta, olives, salami with gingerale (~500c)
Snack: brownie (150c)
Dinner: hamburger and some fries from mcdonalds plus sparkling water (~700c)

Total: 1700. kind of been falling of the wagon lately. i'll have to do better. i was so exhausted today that i ended up taking a nap from about 4-9 then got up and had dinner, and then went back to bed

day 56

Breakfast: brownies and milk (`500c lol) this is the first time i've had milk since i started getting really sick about 6 months ago. the doctors weren't sure if i was developing a lactose-intolerance because i was feeling sick after having milk, so i cut it out all together. i really used to love it though (like...seriously, two gallons a week for just me in my house) so *cross fingers* here's hoping.
Lunch: hamburger, pepperjack cheese, roll, pasta, olives, salami with gingerale (~700c)
Snack: sweetarts, rice cakes (~200c)
Snack: ensure plus (350c)

Total: 1750

55

Breakfast: brownies (bad!) (~400c)
Snack: gatorade, rice cakes (tons of salt) (~300c)
Dinner: hamburgers stuffed with pepperjack cheese....super crazy delicious. plus gingerale (~650c)


Total: 1350. not a good day, i've had a pain in my side for three days now- my mom's concerned my appendix is 'inflamed' so we'll see what happens. im not sure if it's that or a side effect of the pill.

54

Brunch: pancakes, sour cream, strawberries with gatorade (~600c)
Dinner: chiavetta's chicken, roll, gingerale, brownie (850c)
Snack: hershey bar, potato chips (350c)

Total: 1800

53

Breakfast: ensure plus (350c)
Snack: potato chips, gatorade (~350c)
Dinner: filet mignon 6 oz, large baked potato with butter, sour cream, cheese and facon, ginger ale (~1100c)
Snack: brownie (~150c)

Total: 1950. a very filling 1950 though

52

Breakfast: ensure plus (350c)
Snack: hawaiian delight (120c)
Lunch: potato pancakes, sour cream, facon, cheese, ginger ale (~650c)
Snack: half chocolate donut, potato chips (~400c)
Dinner: beef kabob with onions, and grilled potatoes. plus gingerale (~750c because of the amount of butter on the potatoes)
Snack: ensure plus (350c)

Total: 2620

51

early breakfast: ensure plus (350c)
snack: few potato chips (~180c)
dinner: 3/4 personal pizza. olive oil, mozzarella cheese, green olives with ginger ale (~700c)
snack: half cream puff (~350c), ensure plus (350)

total: 1930


had a tilt-table test today. what a horrifying experience.

50

brunch: almond pastry (~700c)
snack: half pizza with olives, olive oil, mozzarella, and mushrooms with ginger ale (~650c)
dinner: potato pancakes, sour cream, facon, cheese (~450c)potatoe chips (100c)
snack: half cream puff (~350c)
late snack: ensure plus (350c)

total: 2600

ate a ton today. and am really feeling it. tomorrow i can't eat though before my test at 1:30 so tomorrow will be a low day.

49

breakfast: ensure plus (350) plus kit kate (180c). candy for breakfast is kind of gross, but they keep telling me- calories, calories, calories
snack: potato chips and glass ginger ale (~320c)
dinner: homemade pizza with olive oil, mozzarella, green olives, mushrooms, ginger ale (~650c)
snack: hershey bar (180c)
late snack: ensure plus (350c)

total: 2030

48

breakfast: 2 slices rye toast with margarine, and half almond pastry (550c)
snack: chocolate and almond bar (210c)
dinner: grilled garlic lime chicken, roasted potatoes, asparagus, part of a spinach muffin, gingerale (~560c)
snack: half almond pastry (~300c)

total: 1620

47 ish

it's been an off week or so, but i'm going to keep going with this. it pushes me to try harder to eat, even though it's not working. new meds are affecting my stomach so when i'm hungry, i try to eat...but when i'm not i just can't. it makes me so queasy that i actually dream at night about vomiting.


breakfast: 2 slices rye toast, margarine, hawaiian delight baby food (166+ 200+ 120=486c)
snack: gingerale (~120c) pepper jack cheese slice (80c), apple sauce (80c) = 280c
dinner: large baked potato, facon bits, cheddar cheese, sour cream, margarine, salt (772c) plus large glass dr. pepper (180c)= 952c
snack: ensure plus (350c)

total: 2068

crossroads

i'm debating discontinuing this. i'm not gaining any weight, so the hope that i could share my success is fading. right now the plan is to just stop looking at the scale (i try not to do it that often anyways) and just eat and try my best. i have a relatively good diet (most days) so that's all i can really ask for. hopefully once some of the stress goes away, the rest will fall into place. i just don't know if continuing to do this has any point

day 46

Brunch: Ensure Plus plus bagel and cream cheese (500c)
Lunch/dinner: anderson's roast beef, french fries, dr. pepper (~650c)
Extra: hersheys with almond bar (210c)

Total Calorie Count: 1360. for a long time, i've been wondering if i'm growing to be lactose intolerant. after i had my bagel and cream cheese my stomach was upset most of the day. it wasn't until later that i was able to eat anything at all

Awesome Thing of the Day: mario kart- zack and i haven't played video games together in a long time- maybe not ever! lol

day 45

Brunch: Ensure Plus (350c)
Lunch: steak kabob with buffalo wing pretzels, almond bar and ginger ale (~550c)
Extra: white cheddar popcorn (100c)
Dinner: hamburger,bun, pepperjack cheese....sparkling water with lime (~450c)
Extra: ensure plus (350c)

Total Calorie Count: 1800. respectable for now.

Awesome Thing of the Day: really awesome thunderstorms

day 44

Brunch: Ensure Plus (350c)
Lunch: rotisserie chicken sandwich plus hersheys with almond bar and gingerale (510c)
Dinner: steak kabobs with peppers, onions and grilled potatoes with butter. chocolate star wars cookies for dessert ( ~500c)
Extra: strawberries with sour cream and brown sugar (~300c)

Total Calorie Count: 1660. low, but i've had a stomach ache for the last 4 days. i wanted to make sure i could eat my dinner.

Awesome Thing of the Day: i guess that it's my birthday? not really awesome to me- i'm not a 'birthday's person. but, zack and i went to the nature trail so it was nice.

day 43

Breakfast: slice of nutella bread, ensure plus (300+350= 650)
Lunch: dr. pepper with rotisserie chicken (420c)
Dinner: mini pizzas with green olives, pizza sauce, english muffins and cheese. dr pepper (~500c)
Extra: ensure plus (350c)

Total Calorie Count: 1920

Awesome Thing of the Day: been a long day, but on the plus side- even though i didn't feel that great, i went out and ran some errands with zack. i even ran into one of my old friends/exes/teachers lol which was nice, he's a good guy and i haven't seen him in a couple years

day 42

Breakfast: hershey with almond bar- bad but i'm getting desperate. plus applesauce baby food (330c)
Lunch: anderson's roast beef, curly fries and a dr. pepper (~450c)
Snack: hershey's with almond bar (210c)
Dinner: potatoe pancakes with cheese, sour cream and bacon plus dr pepper(640c)
Extra: ensure plus (350c)

Total Calorie Count: 1980

Awesome Thing of the Day: watching frasier all day with zack

day 41

i ate stuff.

day 40

Breakfast: Nutella bread- 2 slices (600c)
Lunch: potatoe pancakes with cheese, sour cream and bacon plus lemonade (540c)
Dinner: steak with grilled potatoes and ginger ale (~400c)
Extra:hersheys with almond bar (210c)

Total Calorie Count: 1750

Awesome Thing of the Day: zack's home, thank god

day 39

Breakfast: Nutella bread- 2 slices (600c)
Lunch: p.f. changs pepper steak with potato chips (600c)
Dinner: mcdonald's hamburger with small fry and dr. pepper (580c)
Extra: 1/8 cups almonds and hawaiian delight baby food (213c)
extra dinner: finished the p.f. changs with some more potato chips (~400c). we had dinner at 4:30, and seeing as it's 12:45- i'm starving!

Total Calorie Count: 2393

Awesome Thing of the Day: being productive! i cleaned the whole house, did the dishes, scrubbed the pool cover, hosed down all the outdoor furniture, changed the water for my fish (really my sister's but she doesn't take care of them, so they're mine now) and did all the laundry.

day 38

Breakfast: ensure plus (350c)
Snack: 1/8 cup of salted almonds (113c)
Snack: chips with 2 glasses lemonade (~400c)
Dinner: pepper steak with onions, peppers, and rice with gingerale (~550c)
Extra: ensure plus (350c)

Total Calorie Count: 1763c

Awesome Thing of the Day: sassy's back for a visit

day 37

Breakfast: Almond Pastry (~600c)
Lunch: crackers, cheese and pepperoni with glass dr. pepper (519c)
Snack: hawaiian delight baby food and 1/8 cup roasted almonds with salt (213c)
Dinner: pancakes with sour cream and strawberries (400c)
Extra: Ensure Plus (350c)

Total Calorie Count: 2082

Awesome Thing of the Day: sunshine

day 36

Breakfast: Nutella Bread (2 slices)- 600c
Lunch: Potato pancakes with sour cream, cheddar cheese, facon bits and two glasses of lemonade (580c)
Dinner: pancakes with sour cream and strawberries (400c)
Extra: small glass of dr. pepper (100c)
Snack: Fiber One bar (90c)

Total Calorie Count: 1770

Awesome Thing of the Day: zack finally making it to vegas- i've been super worried about him (he's had food poisoning and altitude sickness)

day 35

Breakfast: Manhattan Bagel- plain with 2tbsp plain cream cheese and 1 glass cranberry juice (540c)
Snack: almond pastry (600c at least)
Dinner: potato pancakes with sour cream, cheddar cheese, facon bits. (430c)
Extra: kit kat bar (180c)

Total Calorie Count: 1750

Awesome Thing of the Day: sunshine

day 34

Breakfast: 210c
Snack: 170+200= 370c
Dinner: hamburger and fries with gingerale- two glasses. 250+200+400=850
Extra: nutella bread 400c.

Total Calorie Count: 1830

Awesome Thing of the Day: nice day in buffalo

somehow even though the nutritionist told me i needed 1700 calories per day to gain a pound a week, over the last month-ish i've lost 3 pounds. i'm very pissed off and upset and really don't want to do any of this anymore.

day 33

Breakfast: hersheys with almond bar- (210c)
Snack: dr pepper with potato chips (~350c)
Dinner: pancakes with sour cream and strawberries! plus applesauce baby food(~750c)
Extra: kit kat bar (180c)
Night Snack: kashi go lean crunch almond chocolate bar- yummy. (170c) Ensure Plus (350c)

Total Calorie Count: 2010. (the year we made contact- lol joke just for zack)

Awesome Thing of the Day: i think the picture speaks for itself (even though making them was a huge pain in the ass)

day 32

Breakfast: hersheys with almond bar- bad but that's all i had a taste for- (210c)
Lunch: chiavetta's chicken and roll (~500c)
Snack: dr pepper (~120c)
Dinner: rest of chiavetta's chicken with baked potato- sour cream, butter, and cheddar cheese. plus dr pepper. (~1100c)

Total Calorie Count: 1930. not bad.

Awesome Thing of the Day: finding star wars pancake molds. yeah, i know!

for some reason in the middle of the day i was horribly sick. hopefully it isn't a bug. i really had to push to make calories today.

day 31

Breakfast: Nutella Bread (~400c)
Lunch: breakfast cookies (homemade) (~400c)
Extra: tiramisu super late (~300c)

Total Calorie Count: 1000. sucky, i know. but i had an upset stomach from dinner last night until around dinner time, then i went to a wake and that pretty much killed everything. i'll do better tomorrow.

Awesome Thing of the Day: seeing some old friends- not how you ever want to (at a wake) but it was still nice to see them

i have a feeling today's going to be a pretty bad diet day. turns out either the dinner or the dessert last night made me very, very sick this morning (and all day so far) so my stomach's pretty upset and i'm trying to take it easy.

day 30! - weigh in day

Breakfast: Nutella Bread (~400c)
Lunch: rest of pod with garlic bread, olive oil, green olives, pepperoni, cheese...with limeade (~500c)
Snack: homemade chex mix (~200c worth)
Dinner: wanchai ferry spicy garlic chicken with peppers, broccoli, carrots, and water chestnuts, with rice. plus dr. pepper (810c)
Extra: small serving of homemade egg-free tiramisu (~200c)

Total Calorie Count: 2110. awesome. i feel a little sick from the dinner, so we'll see

Awesome Thing of the Day: the wanchai ferry was actually really delicious, and very good for you. hopefully it doesn't end up making me sick later because i would like to have it again.

Today is the one month mark of keeping up with my diet and working on it, so i'm going to weigh in later today and hopefully it's done some good.

day 29

Brunch: apple pastry (~450c)
Snack: lays chips and glass of dr. pepper (~400c)
Dinner: half of a pizza plant pod with cheese, pepperoni, olive oil, and green olives. plus dr pepper (~500c)
Extra: Hershey with almonds bad (210c, handful of sweettarts (50c)

Total Calorie Count: 1610. just shy, bummer. but normally i have a midnight snack and tonight i went to bed early and didn't have any.

Awesome Thing of the Day: i might be able to keep sassy!

day 28

Brunch: Almond pocket pastry- so yummy!- (~700c at least)
Snack: new lays potato chips (170c)
Dinner: steak kabobs with onions, green peppers and grilled potatoes, glass of dr. pepper (~800c) (dessert: hershey with almond bar-210c)
Extra: roll of sweetarts candy (120c)...later some popcorn (~20c worth.)

Total Calorie Count: 2020. kicked ass today.

Awesome Thing of the Day: spending 12+ hours with zack...a first in a reallllllly long time.

it's going to be tough the next week or two, i'm cutting out the ensure to see if my face clears up at all. so now i'll have 700c per day i have to make up for.

working out is also on hold for a while because i'm just not gaining the weight like i should be- i know i have a couple of days where i didn't make my calorie count, but on average i do and am still not making it.

day 27

Breakfast: Ensure Plus (350c)
Lunch: none- busy working outside
Snack: chocolate ice cream to try and coat my stomach (~300c)
Dinner: large hamburger w/ bun. (~300c)
Extra: Ensure Plus (350c)

Total Calorie Count: 1300. :(

Awesome Thing of the Day: i don't remember lol

tomorrow morning i'll be calling the doctors to see if they can extend my acid reflux meds. i definitely feel as crappy as i did before when i had this problem before. i'm hoping after talking to my dad on tuesday, i'll feel a little better too.

day 26

Breakfast: Ensure Plus (350c)
Lunch: bagel twist and cream cheese- which is about 2 full bagels. i'm going to explode lol (700c)
Snack: cheese and popcorn (random i know) (~100c)
Extra: french fries (150c) bread + nutella (~350c)

Total Calorie Count: 1650. good enough

Awesome Thing of the Day: sassy visit

my diet's gotten very off track lately. my stomachs been funky, but towards the end of today it's starting to feel better. so i have a feeling tomorrow my diet will be better. all the family crap's really starting to get to me and i think my ulcers back :(

day 25

Breakfast: Ensure Plus (350c)
Lunch: roasted chicken sandwich with gingerale (~600c)
Snack: two small cupcakes with frosting (~250c)
Dinner: small amount of rice :(
Extra: nutella on bread, ensure plus (~700c)

Total Calorie Count: 1900

Awesome Thing of the Day: made arrangements to have my official transcript sent to texas a&m. it's a long shot, but worth it. the application will be going tomorrow. traffic was good, it's sunny, i found a parking meter with 30mins of parking in it so i wouldn't have to pay...general good luck- maybe i should buy a lottery ticket lol

day 24

Breakfast: Ensure Plus (350c)
Snack: 4 small cupcakes (~500c)
Dinner: roasted chicken with baked potatoes (~500c)
Extra: Ensure Plus (350c)

Total Calorie Count: 1700. just made it

Awesome Thing of the Day: yay for being done with class. other than that, a really crappy day.

day 23

Breakfast: Ensure Plus (350c)
Snack: Nutella on bread (~300c)
Lunch: baked potato- cheddar cheese, bacon bits, sour cream, butter. plus mushrooms (~550c)
Snack: Nutella on bread (~300c) yes, i have an addiction.
Dinner: skipped. all my calories over the last few days caught up with me
Extra: Ensure Plus (350c) two mini cupcakes.

Total Calorie Count: 2000

Awesome Thing of the Day: cupcakes.

i'm running out of motivation. gaining weight is hard and sucks and i'm so tired of having to force myself to eat. i just want to eat when i want to, and what i want to. i've been stagnant for two months at 94-95 pounds even though i'm eating more. it's frustrating. my mom says it's good that i'm at least staying stable, but i'm tired of trying so hard. and i'm tired of being frustrated that when i have a bad day, it can undo two weeks worth of work.

day 22

Breakfast: Ensure (250c)
Snack: 1/4 cup granola (140c)
Lunch: steak with baked potato, cheese, sour cream, butter, bacon bits. gingerale (~700 calories)
Snack: nutella on bread (~250c)
Dinner: spinach salad with shredded cheddar cheese, ranch dressing, mushrooms, and bacon bits. (~200c)
Extra: Ensure Plus (350c)

Total Calorie Count: 1890

Awesome Thing of the Day: zack + scrabble = <3

day 21

Breakfast: Ensure (250c)
Snack: cheese and crackers (50c)
Lunch: mac and cheese with mustard, ginger ale (500c)
Dinner: steak, potatoes with sour cream, butter, salt. (350c)
Snack: half niagara candy bar (180c)
Extra: cinnamon roll (480c)

Total Calorie Count: 1810

Awesome Thing of the Day: molly. i love puppies and am so glad she's going to be okay.

day 20

Breakfast: Ensure Plus (350c) (again, late...i was up in the middle of the night sick, so i'm probably going to take it easy today)
Lunch: massive cinnamon roll (480c)
Snack: half niagara mint candy bar (180c)
Extra: small coffee with sugar and whole milk, french fries (a whopping 500c)
Dinner-ish: Ensure Regular (250c) - i ran out of the high calorie one :(

Total Calorie Count: 1760

Awesome Thing of the Day: waking up to snow. yeah yeah, it's may...but it was a nice change of pace from the pouring rain for the last two days. plus i like jeans and sweater weather lol (i have an excessive love for sweaters)

really poor diet day. this headache is killing me. if it's not better tomorrow, i'll be going to the doctors for it. tomorrow i'll get back on the better food diet though.

day 19

Breakfast: Ensure Plus (350c) (pretty late, i was exhausted)
Snack: taco dip, chips and gingerale (350c)
Dinner: salmon, rice, daiquiri (700c)
Snack: ginger ale (150c)brownie (120c)

Exercise: none today- my head is still killing me. if it doesn't stop in the next day or two i'm going to have to go to the doctors :(

Total Calorie Count: 1670. just made it. my poor concussed brain really is impeding my ability to eat lol

Awesome Thing of the Day: hanging out at zack and mike's. i love them both, and it's awesome to have somewhere to escape my house for a while.

day 18

Breakfast: Ensure Plus (350c)
Snack: pringles (150c)
Lunch: 1/2 ted's italian sausage with pickle, ketchup and mustard, fries, dr. pepper (an amazing 800 calories)
Dinner: steak and baked potato (which i could have had more :() small brownie (350c)
Snack: Ensure Plus (350 c)
Extra: dr pepper (100c)

Exercise: laundry and moving crap

Total Calorie Count: 2100. wow...no wonder i feel gross lol

Awesome Thing of the Day: thunderstorms. zack and i turned off the lights and just watched them, incredible. until, of course, the screen door ripped off and scared the hell out of us lol

day 17

Breakfast: Ensure Plus (350c)
Dinner: bite of new frozen salmon entree( was awful and ruined my taste for food.)
Snack: gingerale and pringles (to try and calm my stomach) (300c)
Extra: Ensure Plus (350c)

Exercise: none. zack and i think i might have a concussion thanks to pepper cracking my head open with hers.

Total Calorie Count: abysmal. zack says any calories are better than no calories, but still.

Awesome Thing of the Day: zack. he's the one thing that keeps me going every day.

day 16

Breakfast: Ensure Plus (350c)
Snack: 8 pieces sweettarts candy (120c)
Lunch: ginger ale, baked potato, facon bits, sour cream, butter, shredded cheese (600c)
Dinner: colby jack cheese, lasagna noodles, salad dressing (300c)
Snack: pringles (150c)
Extra: Ensure Plus (350c)

Exercise: walking the nature trail :)

Total Calorie Count: 1870

Awesome Thing of the Day: the most gorgeous day in buffalo to date! oh, and people who come mow the lawn so now i don't have to. (this is our first year doing this, and i LOVE it lol)

day 15

Breakfast: Ensure Plus (350c)
Lunch: ginger ale, rice cakes, luna bar (~350c)
Dinner: english muffin pizzas- turkey pepperoni, cheese, green olives, pizza sauce with dr. pepper. (~500c)
Snack: Ensure Plus (350c)
Extra:

Exercise: no, i got cracked in the head by pepper and just walking hurts :(

Total Calorie Count: 1500. i'll do better tomorrow

Awesome Thing of the Day: being almost done with class!

day 14

Breakfast: Ensure Plus (350c)
Lunch:
Snack: pringles and ginger ale (300c)
Dinner: baked chicken, loaded baked potato (~700c)
Snack: Ensure Plus (350c)
Extra: few pringles (100c)

Exercise: no, i was actually not even going to have a meal today, but thankfully zack pushed me

Total Calorie Count: 1800. glad i made it

Awesome Thing of the Day: dogs. nothing better than waking up and getting a puppy kiss to start the day. or being cuddled up between two puppies at night.

day 13

Breakfast: Ensure Plus (350c) with benefiber (terrible idea- it doesnt dissolve in this, so i ended up drinking chunks of crap. very gross)
Lunch: -none-
Snack: two slices colby jack (160 c)
Dinner: cheddar rice cakes, two slices pepperjack cheese. (250c maybe)
Snack: none
Extra: two glasses dr pepper. (300c)

Exercise: none today. with how my heads been killing me i haven't been able to eat and didn't want to burn the calories.

Total Calorie Count: 1060. fail again.

Awesome Thing of the Day: cinemagic channel on XM. i was driving and love listening to the movie scores on this channel, so i flipped to the station and "be careful it's my heart" sung by bing crosby came on. (from holiday inn- only my FAV movie) i almost melted and passed out in the car. i was THAT happy. a one in a million shot that i would hear that on the radio- less, maybe 10 billion to one. definitely made me the happiest girl alive.

day 12

Breakfast: Ensure Plus (350c)
Lunch: -none-
Dinner: pasta, olives, dressing. (200c)
Snack: nutella on bread (200c)
Extra: almond hershey kisses, in an attempt to eradicate my migraine. miserable fail. also dr pepper (at a different time for the same reason-also a fail) (250c)

Exercise: done.

Total Calorie Count: 1000. yeah. i know.

Awesome Thing of the Day: the smell of rain. and the coolness right after a good down pour- two of my favorite things.

i've had a horribly miserable migraine for 5 days now. i've tried excedrin, motrin, caffeine, and everything else that might even remotely help. normally a motrin/dr pepper combo does the trick, no such luck. i'm really at my wits end about it because it upsets my ability to eat so greatly and there's nothing else i can try. the only comforting part is that it's not my fault. i'm still trying to do what i can.

day 11

Breakfast: Tea, Luna Bar (300c)
Lunch: chicken finger, pretzels, cranberry juice with benefiber (320c)- really poor lunch, but i was eating it at 3, and dinner's normally around 6 so i didn't want to screw up dinner too
Dinner: pasta, salami, green olives, italian dressing, pepperjack cheese (500c), cherry coke zero
Snack: Ensure Plus (350c)
Extra:

Exercise: done. i'm really liking the exercise routine i have, its pretty quick and i can do more if i want to, or increase weight if i want to

Total Calorie Count: 1470. miserable fail :( although, after a migraine that's lasted 4 days, i'm okay with it. normally, i can't eat with a migraine but i tried to push through when i could.

Awesome Thing of the Day: sunshine (and 70 degree weather!)- oh, how i've missed you!


i don't know if i'm going to make my calorie count today. i went out for coffee with one of my friends at 11, and i wanted to make sure i wouldn't feel/be sick, so i didn't eat beforehand. which totally threw off my whole day for eating. i need to get better at not worrying about being sick and just eat anyways, but for now i'm still really nervous about it.

day 10

Breakfast: Ensure Plus (350 cal)
Lunch: parfait made with wegmans vanilla super yogurt, strawberries, banana, and honey bunches of oats (~350c)
Extra: Luna Bar (180c)
Dinner: chicken selects, small fry, medium dr. pepper (~700c)- i was so happy my mom brought this home. i wasn't going to make my calorie count today without it, and dr. pepper is the ONLY thing that works to get rid of my migraines...so, thank you mom!
Snack: Ensure Plus (350c)

Exercise: done! got an AWESOME workout in today. feel really good about it too :)

Total Calorie Count: 1930

Awesome Thing of the Day: breezes! there's no better feeling than driving in the car with the wind in your hair, or sitting outside and, instead of sweating to death, you get a nice breeze and gust of fresh air. (i'm talking like 5mph winds here though lol)

i decided to add the last section, because i'm a very negative and cynical person. it might help to think of at least one thing every day that i'm either glad happened, or that i'm grateful for. i'll still by no means be an optimist, but even on the crappiest days there has to be something to enjoy, and to be glad to be alive for.

day 9

Breakfast: Ensure Plus (350 cal)
Lunch: salami sandwich, slice of pepperjack cheese, glass of v8 fusion cranberry/blackberry juice with benefiber. (425 c)
Extra: hershey almond kisses (150c)
Dinner: steak, french fries with "bacon" (400c)
Snack: Ensure Plus (350 c)

Exercise: done

Total Calorie Count: 1675. cutting it close today. i don't feel that great, i think it's the grape juice striking again. well, there went my hope for that lol

*news* i will be going to the cardiologist on june 15th- that's the soonest they could get me in. i'm not looking forward to being tested for a heart condition- but everything really seems to fit, and if that's the case then one pill will make me feel better than i have in years.

just a random annoyance...i don't get why they throw grape juice into every juice they make- i don't want to drink grape juice (often it doesn't agree with me anyway)- i bought cranberry/blackberry juice so keep the apple and grape juice out of it! it's part of the reason i have such a hard time adding fruits and vegetables into my diet (along with IBS). grape juice is bad, and even when you buy non-grape juice it's in there- what the hell!

day 8

Breakfast: Ensure Plus (350 cal)
Lunch: pasta, olives, salami, italian dressing (300c)
Extra: hershey almond kisses (150c)
Dinner: 1 serving chefboyardee ravioli (now with vegetables!) 7 fudgestripe cookies (total, 580c)
Snack: Ensure Plus (350c)

Exercise: sadly no, i had to take one of my dogs to the vet for an eye infection, then school, and having the ravioli really upset my stomach. tomorrow i'll be up nice and early though.

Total Calorie Count: 1730

day 7

Breakfast: Ensure Plus (350 cal)
Lunch: pasta, green olives, salami, and italian dressing,can of gingerale (total, 450c)
Snack: hershey almond kisses (300c)
Extra: small banana, chocolate syrup (125c)
Dinner: wegman's frozen stir fry with snow peas,carrots, grilled chicken,broccoli, bok choy- *new food*- and ginger beer-*new drink.* (500c total)
Snack: Ensure Plus (350c)

Exercise: arms are done, rest day for abs

Total Calorie Count: 2075 :)

one week, complete! by the end of today, i hope to have an appointment with a cardiologist to go for my last test.

*update*...yeah, fail on the cardiologist. it's going to take 2 months to get in there.

day 6

Breakfast: Ensure Plus (350 cal)
Lunch: salami sandwich, pepperjack cheese, ginger ale (~500c)
Snack: hershey nuggets (300c)
Dinner: pasta, italian dressing, green olives, caffeine free diet coke (i wish we had caffeine free regular, but we don't :(...300c )
Snack: Ensure Plus (350c)

Exercise: done! can't wait for the beach. my goal is to work out straight for the next month. weigh-ins will be once a month.

Total Calorie Count: 1800

I know my diet totally sucks- i don't like eating so much crap. i'd have to eat a quart of strawberries to get the calories in one hershey nugget. that's not physically possible for me until my stomach stretches a bit...so for now, it's a crappy-ish diet.

day 5

Breakfast: Ensure Plus (350 cal)
Lunch: none :( time just got away from me
Snack: pepperjack cheese and crackers (160c)
Extra: hersheys with almond nuggets (8 pieces, 420 calories)
Dinner: hamburger with pepperjack cheese, salt potatoes, ginger ale (500c)
Snack: homemade mexican dip, baked corn chips (250c)

Exercise: skipped because of walking the nature trails today- can't burn too many calories

Total Calorie Count: 1680

day 4

Breakfast: Ensure Plus (350c)
Lunch/Dinner: p.f. changs pepper steak with rice bowl- also with peppers, onions and bean sprouts. can of ginger ale, fortune cookies. (all total, about 750 calories maybe. they don't put a calorie count but i tried to add up the different things individually)
Snack: mcdonalds fries- didn't really want them, but i had to eat something to take with motrin. small dr. pepper (500c)
late night snack: Ensure Plus (I totally love these things- 350 c)


Exercise: done! feel like crap today :(

Total Calorie Count: 1950 c

i'm debating whether to try another multivitamin or not. the ensures have TONS of vitamins, and overloading is a waste because it just gets excreted.


“Cowards die many times; brave men die only once.”
- Braveheart, legendary Scot

day 3

Breakfast: Ensure Plus (350 cal)
Lunch: baked potato, sour cream, butter, shredded cheddar cheese, and "bacon" bits (465 cal) and cherry coke zero- no calories so not the greatest choice, but i needed the caffeine to get rid of a killer migraine lol
Snack: hershey eggs (8 pieces, 170 cal)
Extra: fresh strawberries (40 cal), bottle water
Dinner: toast with nutella (600 cals)
Snack: pasta (~100c), ensure plus (350c)

Exercise: done. just arms and abs today. my body's still pretty weighted down and crappy from the barium

Total Calorie Count: 2075 (what a fatty!)

thank god i woke up feeling better this morning. yesterday was just awful! my stomach still felt iffy, but i worked through it.

not the greatest diet day...but sometimes you have to go with eating whatever you have a taste for. i want to get some VFusion so it's another serving of a fruit and a veggie to mix my fiber in. i normally can't have more than a serving per day of each (because of IBS) but i'll give it a shot

radiology day- yippee *rolls eyes*

Breakfast: barium shake, barium covered marshmallows, and barium sandwich crackers...yum. not.
Lunch: rice with spices and lime, french bread. not great, but all i can taste is still the barium, so getting anything done is rough (~400 calories actually, better than i anticipated)
Snack: hershey eggs (8 pieces, 170 calories). wanted to test out how i would do with food. bad idea. still not ready- hopefully dinner will pan out though
Extra: glass of ginger ale (~150 c) desperately trying to chill my stomach out
Dinner: quesadilla and wings from pesci's, glass ginger ale - (~800 c)
Snack: glass gingerale (my stomach is not feeling this barium day) (150 c)

Exercise: done- wanted to get up early and do it before the tests; knowing i would feel too crappy afterward to do it

Total Calorie Count: 1670. just made it for the day. feeling pretty awful though- hopefully tomorrow will be better

this was a pretty bad diet day. i had a barium swallow this morning and it's horribly disgusting and really upset my (and most people's) stomachs

and so it begins...

Breakfast: Ensure Plus (350 cal)
Lunch: pasta, green olives, italian dressing, and cauliflower (~330 calories rounded), bottle of water
Snack: hershey eggs (16 pieces= 340 calories- yikes! good thing i need it)
Extra: Glass of Ginger Ale (150 calories)
Dinner: Homemade french bread mini pizzas with turkey pepperoni and italian cheese blend (~300 calories), another bottle of water
Snack: Ensure Plus (350 cal)

Exercise: Done. A light 10 minute work out to try to increase hunger and help get me ready for the beach this summer! (-80 calories)

Starting Weight: 95 lbs

Total Calorie Count: 1820 calories (give or take)...which balances out to 1740 for the day (I need a minimum of 1650)

the point of this whole thing

Over the last few years, I've lost a ton of weight; 20 lbs to be exact- but when you're only starting at 105lbs that's a lot. I've been going through testing to try and find the cause. So far, we've discovered IBS-which severely limits the foods I can eat- and that I have no motility in my esophagus, which makes swallowing food very difficult.

My goals are:

- Gain 15 lbs by the end of this year. I started at about 90lbs, and am up 5 pounds in just over 3 months which is right on track!

- Start exercising again. While I can't do much until I gain some weight, I would like to have the weight I gain be healthy muscle instead of fat.

- Eat a better diet. This will also come after I gain weight. For now, I have to eat high calorie foods- which often aren't healthy in order to take in enough calories to gain the weight I need.

- Get out more. Being so thin and being sick so often has really kept me home a lot, so somewhere in all of this work, I'd like to get out more!