exhaustion

Last night, even though the doctors appointments went well, I was slightly put out. This road to find relief has been a long one and, to be honest, I’m tired.

I’m tired of seeing 50 doctors a year. I’m tired of the unbelievable cost it’s racked up. I have no savings anymore, and am barely surviving on unemployment. I’m incredibly grateful for it (although I’m not sure I deserve it) because without it I wouldn’t have even found POTS.

I’m tired of the poking and prodding and invasive procedures. I know they’re for my own good, which is why I keep allowing them, but I can’t ignore the toll they’re taking on my body. Colonoscopy, endoscopy, more bloodwork than blood in my body, sonograms, ultrasounds, probes into my stomach through my nose, probes to check my throat, probes to check my esophagus and throat…the list goes on and on. Now a heart monitor and buying a blood pressure machine and checking it several times a day.

I’m tired of choking down pills (something that’s extremely difficult for me because I have no motility in my esophagus) and now they’re going to add even more pills to the mix. Plus they’re also expensive to me right now. $50 in pills a month is hard to come up with when you can’t work.

I’m tired of the boring diet that is pretty much the only way I can function. The intolerances POTS has brought up have totally changed my life. I’m tired of the nausea and the bathroom issues.

I’m tired of being trapped in this cage of a body most days. Unable to even connect to my peers because they’re out drinking, are partying and in school, are working. Most of them are out doing what they want, whenever they want; even on a whim while I have to plan my days (foods, movements, activities) and carry them out, to the minute, days in advance just to be able to do something on the one day I want to.

I’m put out that this could be my life for the rest of my life.

Yes, I know, others have it much worse than I do. I know that. But it’s already been a long journey, and it feels like I’m just in the middle of it. I climbed the first mountain, and found POTS after 2+ years of testing.

Now, I’m at the base of yet another mountain; the most important one. This uphill climb is filled with more tests, more meds, more expenses and more doctors.

I know, in the end, it will hopefully have been worth fighting through; but what can I say? I’m tired.

Thankfully, I also suffer from tenacity and am not about to give up yet.