Horrible depression over my situation is setting in today.
No job, no money, no career, no plans.
I have no idea what I'm going to do or where my life is going.
It seems that my mom's words have cut deeper than I thought they had.
In a way, she's right; my life is on hold.
On the other hand she's incredibly wrong.
I didn't put my life on hold; POTS did.
I don't live on government assistance and I don't want to live on government assistance.
I want to get better. I'm trying to get better.
I want a job, a career, a family...my own self-sufficient life.
I want to do and enjoy the things that everyone else does without even realizing it.
Things like: going to the store, going to the movies, taking a walk outside, going to the beach, etc.
What she fails to see is that I have a chronic illness that affects every single part of my life.
I can't just suck it up and deal with it. I physically can't.
In order for me to move on with my life, to be able to do any of those things, I have to get better.
Right now, it's hard to think about the future and make future plans when I'm not feeling any better.
Why torture myself with dreams that may not come true?
***
Fear has set in too.
Fear over my heart giving out.
Fear over not waking up.
(It doesn't help that I'm having nightmares about that.)
Fear of ending up alone because my health is too much of a burden.
Fear that I will die young; something I've worried about longer than I've even known that I was/am ill.
I'm having a hard time keeping it together.
No job, no money, no career, no plans.
I have no idea what I'm going to do or where my life is going.
It seems that my mom's words have cut deeper than I thought they had.
In a way, she's right; my life is on hold.
On the other hand she's incredibly wrong.
I didn't put my life on hold; POTS did.
I don't live on government assistance and I don't want to live on government assistance.
I want to get better. I'm trying to get better.
I want a job, a career, a family...my own self-sufficient life.
I want to do and enjoy the things that everyone else does without even realizing it.
Things like: going to the store, going to the movies, taking a walk outside, going to the beach, etc.
What she fails to see is that I have a chronic illness that affects every single part of my life.
I can't just suck it up and deal with it. I physically can't.
In order for me to move on with my life, to be able to do any of those things, I have to get better.
Right now, it's hard to think about the future and make future plans when I'm not feeling any better.
Why torture myself with dreams that may not come true?
***
Fear has set in too.
Fear over my heart giving out.
Fear over not waking up.
(It doesn't help that I'm having nightmares about that.)
Fear of ending up alone because my health is too much of a burden.
Fear that I will die young; something I've worried about longer than I've even known that I was/am ill.
I'm having a hard time keeping it together.
:( I wish I could drive over there and give you a big (gentle) hug, Erika...
ReplyDeleteMy thoughts are with you. I'm always here if you need a (virtual) shoulder to cry on.
3x3
(((((3x3)))))
ReplyDelete(((((((((((((Erika)))))))))))))
ReplyDeleteFor what it's worth.... remember, you don't have to dream about the future or happy endings. You don't have to hope or dream a single dream. You just have to know that your story is not over yet.
There. now you know who I am. :) Please PM me if you ever want to and don't hesitate. You've been so sweet and encouraging to me, and you know that if I don't know what to say, I'll try anyway. :D lol or just listen and cry with you if that's what you need.
Even the best of families doesn't understand unless each individual member has faced long-term illness. But yours certainly seems to be trying not to even be in the runnings for it, and I'm truly sorry. It hurts so bad when the people who are a part of your life don't see YOUR LIFE. What you deal with daily on the inside. The fight. The insanely hard fight sometimes moment by moment, and it's never only physical. It's a dizzying spin of mental, spiritual, emotional, physical, etc. pain and it's plum wearying to fight it. I'll be praying you get away from your Mom quickly, so at least something is relieved. And in the meantime (funny that word huh never nicetime) anyway, in the meantime we love you, Erika. You do have people worth living for, and there ARE men in the world who will truly love their wives until death no matter where their physical illness takes them. I've seen those marriages, and I've seen some of the sweetest moments on earth right there in them.
Part II lol
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I will stop clogging up the comment section now. :) Bottom line: the most frustrating thing about a chronic illness (besides not being able to think straight, and princes of doctors out there grrrrr... don't get me started) yes, the most frustrating thing ahem, lol,.... is that all you are asked to cope with in a given day is sometimes enough to need a panel of retired army colonels to coordinate, figure out, and deal with.... and nobody sees it because it's not a fight that they have any idea a human being can have to endure through. You work every day. You work harder than most people every day. You plan every day. You don't have plan A and B, you often go through a fair share of the alphabet because their are always so many variables the more you try to "live." You learn every day and further your knowledge in ways you wish you could stay ignorant for the most. You dream every day of maybe doing more than on bad days.
We do everything "normal" people do. And we do it every single day. But we don't get paid for adverting a disaster because it's our health's, we don't get trophies for the days a shower feels like a marathon event, and we don't get people excited with our dreams of maybe I can go out today! But we are just as strong as they are. In some ways even stronger. I can take comfort in knowing God sees all of that, and you can take comfort in knowing that there ARE people out there who see it in your own life.
You are special Erika, and not like the way people tease. You are truly worth loving and your ideas for you life truly worth seeing lived out. I don't know what's going to happen, but I know what already has. I've met someone I admire and someone I've come to care about as a friend. And while that's not enough to make it all better - (I'm not THAT self deluded haha).... please just know you are not alone.
I'm over here half laughing sardonically because I could have written half of that myself right now, and at least another 1/4 a few years ago. I will pray that you can move as soon as possible. That you find the strength to take any chance you can get of moving out soon.
And in the meantime, I WILL stop jabbering on. :) Your ever-loving gabby friend,
~ you know who I am. :)
p.s. I don't know if you will like this or not (it's not quite my taste), but it was something to help hold me through a really difficult time once. If not, then I hope you find a song that will do that for you.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EMZj0520v0g
75 more years.
ReplyDeletethank you "you know who I am"- I most certainly do :)
ReplyDeleteand yes love, 75 more years. has to be. <8