downturn

My downslide continues. I'm becoming more and more disheartened by it. I wish I knew whether it was the weather or the meds failing. Last night, I was too sick to take my meds when I normally do and when I was able to take them (two hours later) I needed help standing to get and take them. I wanted to scream, or cry, in frustration.

Today, I'm all the way back to where I was. Nauseous, black spots, trembles, arrhythmia, migraine/headache, aches, chest pains, tightness in my chest, unable to breathe, inability to stand (at least on he first try or two), blood pooling in my legs, etc...

I'm really struggling.

Struggling lately.

For a while, I was doing fairly well. I was walking a few times a week, I was running errands pretty frequently and I started a part time job. Yes, I was only working eight-ish hours a week, but those eight hours were a huge step for me. It was still a long way from what I want my life to be like, and hope it will be like someday, but I was definitely starting to feel useful again.

Lately, things just seem to have taken a large step backward. I only worked for four hours this week, and I'm so overrun with symptoms that I can barely stand. I'm constantly exhausted and run down. My vision is wonky, my arrhythmia is back, and I feel like I'm constantly trembling from the exertion of just standing or walking around. Yesterday, I started to see spots again just standing in the shower- something that hasn't happened in quite a while. I don't know if it's the weather fluctuations or something else, but it's upsetting.

Needless to say, I'm very discouraged. I'm so tired of struggling on a day-to-day basis. Some days are better than others, but it's still a constant battle of wills between what I want to do and what my body will allow me to do; sometimes coming to the point of crying from frustration. I'm trying very hard to keep my head up and plow ahead, but some days it just seems impossible.

Working through it

I can't think of a better title for a post! Work has been increasingly difficult. I was hoping that I would build up some sort of tolerance, but with POTS it doesn't seem that that's possible. I knew it probably wouldn't work that way, but I had hoped!

Some days are better than others. I've worked out a system of waking up over an hour before I need to get up just to take my meds; then I grab another hour of sleep. They take about an hour to kick in, so when I get up it's definitely easier.

The weather is definitely becoming an issue though. We've had awful weather for the last few days, and my symptoms are crazy. My heart's skipping beats, I have migraines, my stomach is upset and my hands and feet keep going numb. My compression stockings help, but they're still not great. I've tried upping my midodrine dosage but it doesn't seem to help all that much.

Rough few days.

I've been having a rough couple of days. First, my POTS has been out of control due to all of the weather fluctuations. Second, work hasn't been going well. I'm struggling a lot and am not keeping up the pace that they want. I said that I would try harder, but I've been driving myself to sickness for the last two days and I physically can't go any faster. Today, I pushed so hard that I broke out into a sweat. I felt so sick that, after work, I went home and bawled.

Maybe I should move.

This last week has been very POTSy. It's been raining on and off all week, and non-stop for the last 3.5 days. I woke up this morning, and I could barely get out of bed. When I stood up, my heart went nuts. I'm shaking and my head is foggy. My hands and feet are constantly numb. (Yes, it's cold outside but in my house it's around 70 degrees- definitely not cold.)

I've wondered before if I should be living somewhere else with more consistent weather; seeing as Fall and Spring are the hardest. (Too many temperature/weather fluctuations.) I'm starting to think it might be what's best for me.

Today I almost quit.

I got up, took my meds, and felt so awful by the time I rolled into work an hour later that I debated just turning around and going home. I felt way too guilty to do that (because I was already there), so I decided to stick it out.

Halfway through my shift, I started to have a full-out POTS attack. Dizzy, nauseous, sweating, shaking, aches, arrhythmia, head pounding, short of breath, heart pounding, etc... I almost started bawling right in the middle of the store.

I took my break, tried to relax and put my feet up; and forced myself to finish the day. It's the worst I've felt since I started work.

I'm home now, and I took a shower- so I'm taking the rest of the day to rest up for tomorrow; when I work again.

If I didn't need the money so badly, I would have quit today. It was that bad. I was worried I would need an ambulance.

Pushing too hard.

Last night, my work called to see if I could work again this morning. I (foolishly) said yes. I knew I was feeling awful from my 8-hour week, so adding four more hours would be rough.

Halfway through work this morning, I started to feel sick and my arrhythmia was starting up and getting progressively worse as the day went on. Yes, it was only a four hour shift, but you couldn't convince my body that four hours is "no big deal".

I could feel the blood draining out of my face, my arms were tingling and my hands kept going numb. I broke out into a sweat and my head started getting fuzzy, while my body felt 'light headed'. (It started to tingle all over like it had fallen asleep.)

I had to send out birthday presents for my dad in the mail, and hit the bank (hurray, I got paid! My first paycheck.) so I ran those two errands, then I went home, took a shower and crashed.

My boss today asked if I could work again tomorrow, I'm glad I said that I couldn't. I feel like hell.