To all of my readers, have a very Merry Christmas and/or Happy Holiday!
I'm a very...schedule-oriented person. Let's just say it's the OCD in me. In some ways it's great; I get to pick my schedule and get it done. In some ways it's not great: getting off schedule is very...upsetting to me and can throw off everything.
So, tomorrow (Christmas Eve)'s plan is: Get up, get stuff together, go to my Aunt's with my boyfriend, then come home and have dinner. Yes, I'll be eating alone, but I'm okay with that.
I would go with my boyfriend to his family's dinner, but I absolutely hate his cousin - who is hosting this year's festivities because the person who usually does is in the middle of a move.
Christmas Day: Get up, open presents, shower, eat brunch, exchange presents with my boyfriend...then eat dinner, and possibly go to my boyfriend's house after they eat dinner. I know I should go there for a meal, but my sister flew home for Christmas so it would be rude to ditch. Plus, it's too stressful to have a meal with all of them (see my last entry). But, I may go after to see everyone and say hello then come home.
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Monday, December 20, 2010
Feeling the pressure...
Christmas is this week (obviously) which means huge family get-togethers and lots of food. Sounds like everyone's dream right? To me, it's a nightmare.
My family, extended and immediate, have grown distant in the last year or so (something that I'm having a hard time coping with) but my aunt has decided to hold a Christmas Eve 'dinner' that everyone's invited to.
First, it's going to be awkward considering how my family has drifted apart. Second, and more importantly, everyone knows I was recently in the hospital and they will be trying to force-feed me the entire time. They'll comment on my weight, and be counting my calories while I sit there. It's extremely stressful and anxiety inducing. Who wants to eat knowing/feeling that everyone around them is keeping track of everything that goes into their mouth?
Plus, it's not just my family. My boyfriend's family has invited me every year to spend the holiday with them. The first year we were together, I did. After being there with them, I don't think I could do it again. They all eat a repulsive (to me) amount of food - we're talking...one slice of every dessert (8 or more) for EVERY person. Plus they drink a lot, which makes me uncomfortable. My boyfriend's mom is a nurse, so it's the same deal. She's (unintentionally probably) counting the calories that I eat and constantly pushing food on me. Which I'm sure is well-intentioned, but makes me extremely uncomfortable and gives me horrible guilt to turn down. So, for the last few years, I've skipped out which I feel terrible about. But I know if I go, I'll be harassed about what I'm eating, and I'll be extremely uncomfortable trying to eat in front of people who eat an inhuman amount. (Plus, it's nauseating to watch someone eat that much food)
I know it's still almost a week away, but I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I'm already feeling the pressure!
My family, extended and immediate, have grown distant in the last year or so (something that I'm having a hard time coping with) but my aunt has decided to hold a Christmas Eve 'dinner' that everyone's invited to.
First, it's going to be awkward considering how my family has drifted apart. Second, and more importantly, everyone knows I was recently in the hospital and they will be trying to force-feed me the entire time. They'll comment on my weight, and be counting my calories while I sit there. It's extremely stressful and anxiety inducing. Who wants to eat knowing/feeling that everyone around them is keeping track of everything that goes into their mouth?
Plus, it's not just my family. My boyfriend's family has invited me every year to spend the holiday with them. The first year we were together, I did. After being there with them, I don't think I could do it again. They all eat a repulsive (to me) amount of food - we're talking...one slice of every dessert (8 or more) for EVERY person. Plus they drink a lot, which makes me uncomfortable. My boyfriend's mom is a nurse, so it's the same deal. She's (unintentionally probably) counting the calories that I eat and constantly pushing food on me. Which I'm sure is well-intentioned, but makes me extremely uncomfortable and gives me horrible guilt to turn down. So, for the last few years, I've skipped out which I feel terrible about. But I know if I go, I'll be harassed about what I'm eating, and I'll be extremely uncomfortable trying to eat in front of people who eat an inhuman amount. (Plus, it's nauseating to watch someone eat that much food)
I know it's still almost a week away, but I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I'm already feeling the pressure!
Friday, December 17, 2010
Measurements
Out of interest, I found a link off of WebMD's website that tells you your BMI (body mass index) and where you are on the healthy weight scale.
Not surprisingly, I'm underweight. My Healthy Weight Range: 104-141lbs.
Personally, I don't get that. You can't tell me that if I gained 15lbs I would be just as healthy as my sister who is closer to 140. She's overweight, and certainly not healthy (yes, I know there are other factors in there as well) but I think that range is far too broad to be appropriate.
My BMI is 16.1 and 'healthy' is 18.5-24.9 (again, holy range).
A different website says I should aim for 2413 calories per day to gain one pound per week. Also, it tells me that to maintain my current weight I'm only eating around 1500 calories per day. I know for a fact that's not true (I've kept food journals) and doctors have told me that that's approximate. Just like for people who lose weight, sometimes doing only what they tell you is just not enough so people have to eat less than they're supposed to (or in my case more).
I think in this case, I'll split the difference and try to gain half a pound a week, or about 2000 calories a day. I'll try to exceed that as much as I can see as I've tried that before and it didn't work but I'll give it another shot.
Not surprisingly, I'm underweight. My Healthy Weight Range: 104-141lbs.
Personally, I don't get that. You can't tell me that if I gained 15lbs I would be just as healthy as my sister who is closer to 140. She's overweight, and certainly not healthy (yes, I know there are other factors in there as well) but I think that range is far too broad to be appropriate.
My BMI is 16.1 and 'healthy' is 18.5-24.9 (again, holy range).
A different website says I should aim for 2413 calories per day to gain one pound per week. Also, it tells me that to maintain my current weight I'm only eating around 1500 calories per day. I know for a fact that's not true (I've kept food journals) and doctors have told me that that's approximate. Just like for people who lose weight, sometimes doing only what they tell you is just not enough so people have to eat less than they're supposed to (or in my case more).
I think in this case, I'll split the difference and try to gain half a pound a week, or about 2000 calories a day. I'll try to exceed that as much as I can see as I've tried that before and it didn't work but I'll give it another shot.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Official Post-Hospital Weigh In
I stole this from my progress entries on 43Things, I thought it was worth mentioning here:
Last night, I decided to weigh in; something that I've been avoiding ever since I came home from the hospital. I knew that I'd lost some weight (they weighed me at my follow up) but I had no idea how hard readjusting to food would be. (I give people who are lost at sea or stranded in a desert for an extended period of time a LOT of credit.)
So, I figured to make myself feel at least a little better, I would weigh myself last night. I ate like a pig yesterday, and thought it might stick with me.
The result: 91 pounds.
Yeah.
I lost more than 7 pounds in a week and a half. That's almost my entire year's worth of work toward gaining weight. I'm trying to not be _so_ hard on myself, because most of it was out of my control, but it's hard to find the urge to try. It took almost a year of pushing myself to eat to the point of wanting to throw up to gain that weight, and now it's gone and I have to start all over again.
How incredibly frustrating/annoying/disheartening/you name it.
Last night, I decided to weigh in; something that I've been avoiding ever since I came home from the hospital. I knew that I'd lost some weight (they weighed me at my follow up) but I had no idea how hard readjusting to food would be. (I give people who are lost at sea or stranded in a desert for an extended period of time a LOT of credit.)
So, I figured to make myself feel at least a little better, I would weigh myself last night. I ate like a pig yesterday, and thought it might stick with me.
The result: 91 pounds.
Yeah.
I lost more than 7 pounds in a week and a half. That's almost my entire year's worth of work toward gaining weight. I'm trying to not be _so_ hard on myself, because most of it was out of my control, but it's hard to find the urge to try. It took almost a year of pushing myself to eat to the point of wanting to throw up to gain that weight, and now it's gone and I have to start all over again.
How incredibly frustrating/annoying/disheartening/you name it.
Monday, December 13, 2010
Progress and setbacks...
So, I had my follow up with a GI surgeon and he said that I'll get another CT in January (happy new year to me- not) and if my appendix is still swollen then, I'll have it removed.
I'm torn on this. On the one hand, no one wants to have surgery. On the other, once it's out I'd never have to worry about it again! The surgeon also said if they remove it, it would be an outpatient procedure and would only take about 20 minutes. Awesome. That's because it wouldn't be infected or ruptured; otherwise it would be a huge invasive surgery. It almost makes me want to get it anyways lol! Plus, I would hate to have spent all this money and gone through all of this for absolutely nothing. Either way, we'll have to wait and see.
The worse part of all of this is that I'm having a huge setback as far as weight gain goes. Trying to eat again for the first time in almost 3 days was extremely tough. It was like learning how to eat. I had to start with easy foods and work my way up to eating something that was substantial and if I ate something that wasn't right, I knew it almost instantly. I would get a horrible stomach ache and feel sick for hours.
So working into eating has been a really slow process, and I lost quite a few pounds. A few pounds seems like nothing to pretty much everyone...but when it's 6 months of serious weight gaining effort for you, it's extremely disheartening.
I'm torn on this. On the one hand, no one wants to have surgery. On the other, once it's out I'd never have to worry about it again! The surgeon also said if they remove it, it would be an outpatient procedure and would only take about 20 minutes. Awesome. That's because it wouldn't be infected or ruptured; otherwise it would be a huge invasive surgery. It almost makes me want to get it anyways lol! Plus, I would hate to have spent all this money and gone through all of this for absolutely nothing. Either way, we'll have to wait and see.
The worse part of all of this is that I'm having a huge setback as far as weight gain goes. Trying to eat again for the first time in almost 3 days was extremely tough. It was like learning how to eat. I had to start with easy foods and work my way up to eating something that was substantial and if I ate something that wasn't right, I knew it almost instantly. I would get a horrible stomach ache and feel sick for hours.
So working into eating has been a really slow process, and I lost quite a few pounds. A few pounds seems like nothing to pretty much everyone...but when it's 6 months of serious weight gaining effort for you, it's extremely disheartening.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
three hospitals and two days later...
I went to the GP, and was immediately sent for a CT with Barium contrast (which made me horribly ill). Barium is the most repulsive thing EVER. But I forced myself to do it, and was rewarded with a lovely "your appendix is inflamed and you have a lot of fluid in your abdomen, you need to go to the emergency room NOW."
So the emergency room is where I went. They weren't sure I had "true" appendicitis (meaning it would burst or rupture) so I was given a room, a lot of antibiotics and kept overnight- which was HELL. My roommate was incredibly noisy and occasionally verrrrry drugged up and moaning. Plus they woke us up every 3 hours to check our vitals.
I hadn't showered before I went to the GP because I figured, I'd go and they'd say it was fine and would go away and I'd go home and shower. How wrong I was. 2 days in the hospital later, I felt repulsive and they wouldn't let me shower because it was 'introducing liquids into' my body. So, I got to wash my hair in the sink, and couldn't change my clothes or wash anything else- gross.
I also hadn't eaten before the GP in case they sent me for tests, so the last I'd eaten was Tuesday night around 5. Because they weren't sure if/when I'd need surgery, I wasn't allowed food. After 4am today, no liquids either. So, I went 48 hours without food, and 46 hours without liquids (I drank some for about two hours) although they did give me an IV.
Today around 5pm I was officially discharged, after 2 rounds of intense antibiotics and starved. They aren't sure if it was moderate appendicitis, or a ruptured cyst but thankfully my vitals got much better and my lab work. (This morning around 6 am the Resident Surgeon said he thought I'd go home- what took 11 hours I'll never know.) I have a follow up next week.
So now, I'm finally home and exhausted. I took a showered right away, and made some pancakes to eat and am looking forward to (hopefully) a decent nights sleep. I'm still extremely shaky and disoriented from being literally starved. Plus without food, my heart meds don't work right so my blood pressure is all over the place (which also makes me feel sick). So we'll see.
So the emergency room is where I went. They weren't sure I had "true" appendicitis (meaning it would burst or rupture) so I was given a room, a lot of antibiotics and kept overnight- which was HELL. My roommate was incredibly noisy and occasionally verrrrry drugged up and moaning. Plus they woke us up every 3 hours to check our vitals.
I hadn't showered before I went to the GP because I figured, I'd go and they'd say it was fine and would go away and I'd go home and shower. How wrong I was. 2 days in the hospital later, I felt repulsive and they wouldn't let me shower because it was 'introducing liquids into' my body. So, I got to wash my hair in the sink, and couldn't change my clothes or wash anything else- gross.
I also hadn't eaten before the GP in case they sent me for tests, so the last I'd eaten was Tuesday night around 5. Because they weren't sure if/when I'd need surgery, I wasn't allowed food. After 4am today, no liquids either. So, I went 48 hours without food, and 46 hours without liquids (I drank some for about two hours) although they did give me an IV.
Today around 5pm I was officially discharged, after 2 rounds of intense antibiotics and starved. They aren't sure if it was moderate appendicitis, or a ruptured cyst but thankfully my vitals got much better and my lab work. (This morning around 6 am the Resident Surgeon said he thought I'd go home- what took 11 hours I'll never know.) I have a follow up next week.
So now, I'm finally home and exhausted. I took a showered right away, and made some pancakes to eat and am looking forward to (hopefully) a decent nights sleep. I'm still extremely shaky and disoriented from being literally starved. Plus without food, my heart meds don't work right so my blood pressure is all over the place (which also makes me feel sick). So we'll see.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Pain still around...
I still have the pain in my abdomen, and it's irritating as hell. I don't really have a fever and no nausea/vomiting *knock on wood* so the odds of appendicitis are remote, but it still hurts and my mom and Zack are worried about it. So, tomorrow we're going to hopefully get it checked out.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)